Pet Language Hates Part 2

22. There's a certain variety of Southern English much loved of the BBC and, natch, relayed to ABC. It involves a vowel so horrible that it makes me turn off (in several senses) right away. It also seems to afflict women more than men. Accordingly, "book" is pronounced "buk" with a "u"-sound so short that it approaches schwa. Worst example: a series by the BBC on James Cook. I wanted to watch this but could not abide constant reference to "Captain Cuk". He was a Yorkshireman for God's sake!

23. The loss of the words "criterion" and "phenomenon". These are all but inevitably replaced by their plurals, "criteria" and "phenomena". Leads to a problem when the speaker/writer actually needs a plural. Hence, on the radio the other day (a program about wind farms), I heard the unspeakable "criterias".

24. I like things to be as different and distinct as possible. So am I homo-phobic (strictly: having a fear of the same)? Phobos is, strictly, "fear" but has morphed into "hatred". This is a pity because fear and hatred are very different things and need to be distinguished. Those, and no doubt there are many of them, especially around here, who are homophobic don't fear homosexuals, even if they do hate them. Unless, of course, we accept the bizarre Freudian reading: homophobes fear the possibility of their own repressed desires for the same sex. In which case, all the men in Minjup are latent heterosexuals! Again in which case, there's both the -phobic and the -philic going on at the same time. Maybe we need some new terms -- after all, I like things to be as different and distinct as possible. Perhaps: "phobile" and "phobilic"? Example: I hate the ostentatious use of mobile phones in public, but I equally love the handiness (hence the German handy for the device) of having one myself, even if I have to drive up to Blyton to get decent reception. And for the Freudians: I fear what might happen if I didn't have one; and maybe I also fear contracting brain tumours. OK: end of my phobile moan.

25. The use of the word "cap" in contracts for the above devices as well as for broadband connections and some other things. "Cap" makes it sound like this is all you're going to pay no matter how much you use. In fact, it refers to the minimum you have to pay, whether you use it up or not. If a cap goes on the head, then a sock goes on the foot. The telcos should get honest and say, for example, "Your mobile payments are socked at $39.95"; or "You'll be socked for $39.95, no matter how little of the service you use".

Sledge